Quarterly Marriage Tune Up

On a scale of 1-10, rate the following statements, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest.


1. I am happy with my marriage / relationship.

2. My needs are being met in my marriage / relationship.

3. My marriage / relationship is in a better place than it was this time last year.

The number you chose should signify your gut reaction to each question. Why isn't the number lower than the number you chose; why isn't worse? There is a reason you chose your number. Why isn't your number highe; why isn't it betterr? How can the number improve, even a half point. What do YOU have to do to move your number up in practical steps. For example, you rated the statement my needs are being met with a number 3? Well, what has to be done to move your 3 to a number 4? What can you tangibly change to make this better in these next 3 months, even if that means communicating this with your spouse ? You can only be responsible for changing your own behavior. You can't change anyone else!

Think of the quarterly checkup like a tune up for your relationship. If you check in with your spouse on a regular basis resentment has less of an opportunity to build up. Use it as a tool, NOT AN ARGUMENT STARTER!

10 Tips to Have That Wedding Day Love Last a Lifetime

Marriage takes a lot of hard work and effort from both partners, but there is still such a thing as being able to say, I Love Being Married.


1. Respect One Another. We have so many people who come in to see us and their primary complaint when it is all boiled down is that they feel disrespected in some way or another by what their spouse has said or done. Find out what your partner sees as disrespectful and work on correcting any behaviors that are needed before they become an entrenched part of how you deal with one another.

2. Over Communicate. We call it over communication especially in the first years of marriage when you are still trying to get into the groove of a steady marriage. We also call it over communication because you need to talk about everything even the minor details so that there is no room for misunderstandings. You especially need to communicate about what your expectations are for one another. For example, women, do you expect the man to be responsible for doing all of the yard work? Men do you expect that your wife will be the primary caretaker of your children? Many of the expectations we place on one another come from that unspoken place of your childhood based on what you did or did not see and can cause a major issue if they are not spoken.

3. Love Unselfishly. You know that wedding day love or the love you have right now before the reality of life hits. This is that, I will do anything for you love. This is the kind of love that loves even when the other is unlovable. Unselfish love looks like giving up your favorite show and watching a basketball game with your fiance (without complaining). Unselfish love looks like going with your soon- to- be wife to look at the bridesmaid’s dresses so that she can feel like you are a part of the process even though you could care less about what the women are wearing in the wedding.

4. Work to Become One in Thought Word and Deed. Being married is a team sport and you have to be playing for the same team, working for the same goals, which should be for the betterment of your family. You cannot allow other people or preoccupations come between your ability to begin to act as one unit.

5. Positively Resolving Conflict. One of the biggest differences in having a successful marriage and one that fails is finding a way to work on your conflicts in a positive way. Conflict can turn ugly and cause continued turmoil if not handled effectively. We call this Rules of Engagement, which are the rules you put in place to handle your conflict so that both parties can feel like the issue was resolved in the best interest of your family (your team).

6. Maintain Your Friendship. Fellas, I always tell people that my wife is my best friend. She is the one who knows the most about me and has my back. She is my ride or die chick. Ladies the same should go for you. My husband is my best friend and he is the one that I can’t wait to tell my good news or even the bad. He is also the one that I go to when I have an issue even with him, which leads me to my next point.

7. Keep Others Out of Your Relationship. How can you become one when you have your girlfriends, your boys and even your momma in the middle of your relationship? One exception to this tip is; we do believe everyone needs some wise counsel. You should choose at least one person of the same sex who has similar values and ideals to be your accountability partner to help keep you in check. This person should be someone who is always willing to tell you the truth whether you’re right or wrong. In most instances, we would advise that this person is NOT your mother unless she is truly able to keep herself from taking sides.

8. Nourish and Cherish One Another. Take care of one another. Understand and appreciate your mate. Find out what their love language is according to the Five Love Languages of Dr. Gary Chapman and then learn to speak their love language. The five love languages are 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time 5. Physical Touch. These are the things that make your partner feel loved and appreciated. These are also the things that if they are not done can make your partner feel deprived. For example, my love language is quality time and my husband’s is physical touch. This means I feel loved appreciated and in complete connection with my husband when we spend time together with no interruptions from kids or distractions from phones or other gadgets. For my husband, this means that he feels loved, appreciated and completely connected when I physically touch him in any way. We have found that one of the core issues couples have is they don’t know how to take care of one another. They don’t know how to nourish and cherish their partner.

9. Communicate With One Another Intimately on a Regular Basis. There was a study that came out recently that says that physical touch is even more important in the communication between partners than verbal or nonverbal communication. Do not deprive each other sexually out of anger or selfishness. In the age of Facebook and other social media it is too easy to reconnect with someone you once loved.

10. Create Shared Values. Create your own values for your home together. Don’t base them solely on the values you developed growing up as a child or those things that you are now trying so hard to do the opposite of or those things that you didn’t see done as a child. Fellas many of us grew up without a father in the home, so we try to overcompensate when it is our turn to be a father based on what we didn’t get as a child. Create shared values from a space of what you do want not from a space of what you don’t.

*Bonus Tip – As our pastor would say, we are going to throw this one in for free. Be Willing. Be willing to ….. forgive, take chances, be flexible to the ebb and flow of life and the changes that it can bring, and love hard.


As we have said, marriage is not easy, but if you are willing to put in the work and listen to what your partner is asking for, you can maintain that wedding day love for a lifetime.

HAPPY RESTORATION DAY!!!

Today is February 18th, the day my daughter was born. She was born one year ago in 2009. She is definitely a miracle and definitely a blessing. She came at a time shortly after my husband and I had a miscarriage. On February 8, 2008, we lost a child to miscarriage. This child came to us just as easily as the two prior. We had no problems conceiving, we were happy about the pregnancy, and were going through the motions of pregnancy. Because we were old pros at this, we waited on going for our first appointment. We were taking for granted that everything was okay. We were moving with business as usual and not putting a real emphasis on this pregnancy… this blessing we were given. Then on February 8, 2008, everything changed….

I went in to see my doctor and she was pleasantly surprised to see me because we had just had a child in 2006. We went through the routine of the visit. They took my vital signs, they took my weight, they did the monitor for the baby’s heart beat…. The nurse did the monitor for the heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it, so she called in the more senior nurse to try it and she couldn’t find it. They then called in the doctor to find the heart beat and she couldn’t find it. I still wasn’t that worried because maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought. Maybe, something else was going on because I had been feeling strange this whole pregnancy, something just didn’t seem right. After all of this, including drawing some blood, they sent me home with an appointment for an ultrasound in a couple of days. That evening I came home and I felt this gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and it was blood! I was frantic because I was at home alone with my two daughters and something is going wrong. I called my doctor right away and told her what was going on, and as I sit here and I write this I can remember her words like they were yesterday, she said in a motherly kind of hush tone, “sweetie, you’re having a miscarriage”. After she said that it was as if the world went silent. The silence was so loud. After I registered what she was saying I began to bawl uncontrollably, you know that gut wrenching cry. She said, “ honey, it’s not your fault, I knew when you came in that something was wrong. It will be okay.” In that moment, it didn’t feel okay. It felt like I was being punished for something wrong. All kinds of things were running through my mind. She told me to allow it to happen naturally and then go to the ultrasound appointment in a couple of days that was already scheduled to make sure that there were no remains. I asked some more questions and she said, “if it will make you feel better, you can go to the emergency room, but there is nothing they can do at this point to stop it”. Whoa! Everything was spinning and I wasn’t really sure what happened after that. I just remember calling my husband, my sister and my parents. My husband must have been doing 100 miles an hour because he got home so quickly. I don’t even remember what he said. I just know he was in shock and was there to take care of me. Later on that evening, my sister came over to console me and just held me while I cried, all the while I was continuing to have cramps like I was in labor. Even while she was rocking me and I was crying… I was losing the baby. Needless to say this was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life, the kind of pain that reaches down into your soul. I spoke to my parents and they asked, “do you need us to come?” I was trying to be brave and said, “no we will be okay”. My dad heard my voice as only a father can and said to my mother, “we need to go”. That night they packed up and arrived the next morning. Even now that feeling of unconditional love takes over me and makes me get emotional.



During this whole time, I was kind of like in a trance because I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t know why after two perfectly healthy children, we had a miscarriage. One of the consoling things that people told me during this time was, it’s okay, I had one too, it’s very common, and this is just a natural thing that happens. After the initial pain and tears, I really was okay. I realized that I was taking the fact that I could get pregnancy easily as well as the actual life for granted. I was grateful for many things. I was grateful for my husband and my family. I was grateful for my two daughters who were healthy and had no medical issues. I was grateful for the discerning spirit that God had given me throughout this time to recognize that something was wrong and I just praised God for taking the baby so early on. He knew how much I could bear. Even since that time, I have been able to use my pain and struggle to bless others in their pain. I have been able to give God the glory and for that, we have been blessed again with our daughter Aaliyah. As I said, she was born almost a year to the day that I miscarried the previous child. GOD RESTORED WHAT WE HAD LOST! Not because we had been so good, but because He is so good. He gave us back what was taken away. I am so thankful for her and her birth. God is a healer, He is a comforter, and He is a provider. He showed up in so many ways for me in that situation, from my doctor, to my husband and family, and the unconditional love they displayed for me just like The Father displays for us every day. He even showed up in the friends who shared their stories and support for me. God is able to restore what has been taken away. He is able to repair what is broken. I call this restoration day because my daughter’s birth is a reminder of the grace God has shown us. God is waiting to show that same grace to you in your personal life and in your relationships. He is waiting to repair what is broken and to restore what has been taken. We need only ask. Ask Him today to repair your broken places, your broken relationships, and restore what once was. Ask Him to reveal to you His grace and praise Him in advance for what He has already done. Hebrews 13:15-16, 18-21 15Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. 16And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. 18Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way. 19I particularly urge you to pray so that I may be restored to you soon. 20May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Decide that today is YOUR Happy Restoration Day!

This is a picture of our blessing helping mommy with the dishes.  :)

Show and Tell

Ladies, don't focus on what your man is not doing or what you want him to do. Focus on what he is doing and appreciate him for that. Today is show and tell, let him know how much you appreciate him.

Just Junk It

We were recently on a family vacation and were traveling along when we began to hear these funny noises coming from the truck, neither one of us could figure out what was going on. The noises were getting louder and louder. We eventually had to stop to have the truck checked because some of the lights warning you when something is wrong were flashing. Well this is after midnight on the New Jersey Turnpike and we are on our way to Virginia. We pull over to the service station and the guy says, let me hear what’s going on with your truck. We turned the truck on and he said, oh no shut it off. I know exactly what it is, he said, your engine is gone. What!!! The engine was gone, the heart of the truck was broken. Can you imagine being at a service station in the middle of the night with your entire family husband, wife and three children? This was anyone’s worst nightmare. The guy said you could either let the truck go or because it was in such good condition in all other respects, we could replace the old engine and get a new one. The guy said we would not make it back to New York and certainly not to Virginia, but he thought we could make it to the next exit four or five miles away. He said if you go there you can get a hotel for the night and figure out what you need to do in the morning. After saying all of this, he then said make sure that you take your time and only drive about 20 – 30 miles per hour because if you don’t you could completely blow out the engine and be stuck on the side of the road on the turnpike. Oh my God, is all I could think. What have we gotten ourselves into? Well, we decided to take our chances and get to the nearest hotel and get the kids to a safe place so that we could make a good decision the next morning. I know you know that I was praying the whole way.

The next morning my husband was on the phone calling our mechanic at home, family nearby who was wondering where we were and how we were doing, and local tow services. Many of them had all kinds of advice including one that stuck out to me. Just junk it. Hmmm. That statement says a lot about how our society thinks today. When something is too hard or gets to be too much of a burden, we want to just junk it. When a rift occurs that appears to be too much of a hassle we want to just junk it. What about those people who have at times in their marriage gotten to a place where it seemed like there was no room for repair of the relationship because it would take too much work, it was too hard, the heart of their relationship was broken, so they want to just put it away and just junk it.

Marriage is not one of those things that when it gets too hard that you just junk it. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and covenant between that man, that woman and God. In Mark 10:1-12 the Bible talks about how the Pharisees were asking Jesus about Moses allowing people who were married to divorce. Jesus answered them saying that Moses only allowed this because of the hardening of their hearts, but this was never the intention of God. He meant for marriage to between one man and one woman who would be joined together as one and not separate. Yes once the heart or the engine of a marriage is hardened it takes a lot of work to make repairs. It takes a lot of effort. There may even be some sweat and a whole lot of tears. However, if you to take it slow, get the help and support that you need, seek the Lord in prayer, don’t listen to outsiders who tell you it’s not worth it and ultimately make the decision that you want to work on your marriage and keep your covenant, you won’t come to the conclusion to just junk it.

Welcome

Welcome to our blog, I Love Being Married. This blog will contain information to help you in your dating, engaged and married relationships. We hope that you will use this information to help better your relationships. Ultimately, we would like for everyone who reads this blog to find some tools to help them one day be able to join us in the movement of people that are saying, "I Love Being Married".