10 Tips to Have That Wedding Day Love Last a Lifetime

Marriage takes a lot of hard work and effort from both partners, but there is still such a thing as being able to say, I Love Being Married.


1. Respect One Another. We have so many people who come in to see us and their primary complaint when it is all boiled down is that they feel disrespected in some way or another by what their spouse has said or done. Find out what your partner sees as disrespectful and work on correcting any behaviors that are needed before they become an entrenched part of how you deal with one another.

2. Over Communicate. We call it over communication especially in the first years of marriage when you are still trying to get into the groove of a steady marriage. We also call it over communication because you need to talk about everything even the minor details so that there is no room for misunderstandings. You especially need to communicate about what your expectations are for one another. For example, women, do you expect the man to be responsible for doing all of the yard work? Men do you expect that your wife will be the primary caretaker of your children? Many of the expectations we place on one another come from that unspoken place of your childhood based on what you did or did not see and can cause a major issue if they are not spoken.

3. Love Unselfishly. You know that wedding day love or the love you have right now before the reality of life hits. This is that, I will do anything for you love. This is the kind of love that loves even when the other is unlovable. Unselfish love looks like giving up your favorite show and watching a basketball game with your fiance (without complaining). Unselfish love looks like going with your soon- to- be wife to look at the bridesmaid’s dresses so that she can feel like you are a part of the process even though you could care less about what the women are wearing in the wedding.

4. Work to Become One in Thought Word and Deed. Being married is a team sport and you have to be playing for the same team, working for the same goals, which should be for the betterment of your family. You cannot allow other people or preoccupations come between your ability to begin to act as one unit.

5. Positively Resolving Conflict. One of the biggest differences in having a successful marriage and one that fails is finding a way to work on your conflicts in a positive way. Conflict can turn ugly and cause continued turmoil if not handled effectively. We call this Rules of Engagement, which are the rules you put in place to handle your conflict so that both parties can feel like the issue was resolved in the best interest of your family (your team).

6. Maintain Your Friendship. Fellas, I always tell people that my wife is my best friend. She is the one who knows the most about me and has my back. She is my ride or die chick. Ladies the same should go for you. My husband is my best friend and he is the one that I can’t wait to tell my good news or even the bad. He is also the one that I go to when I have an issue even with him, which leads me to my next point.

7. Keep Others Out of Your Relationship. How can you become one when you have your girlfriends, your boys and even your momma in the middle of your relationship? One exception to this tip is; we do believe everyone needs some wise counsel. You should choose at least one person of the same sex who has similar values and ideals to be your accountability partner to help keep you in check. This person should be someone who is always willing to tell you the truth whether you’re right or wrong. In most instances, we would advise that this person is NOT your mother unless she is truly able to keep herself from taking sides.

8. Nourish and Cherish One Another. Take care of one another. Understand and appreciate your mate. Find out what their love language is according to the Five Love Languages of Dr. Gary Chapman and then learn to speak their love language. The five love languages are 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time 5. Physical Touch. These are the things that make your partner feel loved and appreciated. These are also the things that if they are not done can make your partner feel deprived. For example, my love language is quality time and my husband’s is physical touch. This means I feel loved appreciated and in complete connection with my husband when we spend time together with no interruptions from kids or distractions from phones or other gadgets. For my husband, this means that he feels loved, appreciated and completely connected when I physically touch him in any way. We have found that one of the core issues couples have is they don’t know how to take care of one another. They don’t know how to nourish and cherish their partner.

9. Communicate With One Another Intimately on a Regular Basis. There was a study that came out recently that says that physical touch is even more important in the communication between partners than verbal or nonverbal communication. Do not deprive each other sexually out of anger or selfishness. In the age of Facebook and other social media it is too easy to reconnect with someone you once loved.

10. Create Shared Values. Create your own values for your home together. Don’t base them solely on the values you developed growing up as a child or those things that you are now trying so hard to do the opposite of or those things that you didn’t see done as a child. Fellas many of us grew up without a father in the home, so we try to overcompensate when it is our turn to be a father based on what we didn’t get as a child. Create shared values from a space of what you do want not from a space of what you don’t.

*Bonus Tip – As our pastor would say, we are going to throw this one in for free. Be Willing. Be willing to ….. forgive, take chances, be flexible to the ebb and flow of life and the changes that it can bring, and love hard.


As we have said, marriage is not easy, but if you are willing to put in the work and listen to what your partner is asking for, you can maintain that wedding day love for a lifetime.

Tame Your Snake

My daughter and I were having a discussion about making choices and how you can make the best decision for your life. It is so divine that we were having this discussion now because Ben and I are in the midst of making some pretty life changing choices as well. I have wanted to write something about this video for the longest because it epitomizes what I tell my daughter and MYSELF all the time, face your fears and do it anyway.

My daughter is extremely shy, just as I was at her age and on into adulthood. She is coming out of her shell a lot earlier than I did.  I didn't really release some of my shyness until I was an adult and only after much prayer, faith and waterwalking. All of us will have choices in life that we have to make that could change the course of our lives forever. I call this the sliding door moment. You can choose to go left and your life will open up to new adventure, change, excitement, some pain and heartache because all of this is a part of life, but you are living fully present everyday, because you have chosen to be there. The other choice is to go right, the way that you already know because it is familiar, it is comfortable, it is easy and there is no fear or faith invovled. Well, after I saw my daughter holding this snake and allowing it to move around her even though she was afraid, I learned in an even greater and tangible way how adventure and the unknown are only conquered when you face your fears and do it anyway. Tomorrow is unknown. You must have faith to move forward. At times when God is growing your faith, He only gives you just enough light for the step you're on and you have to face your fears, have faith and do it anyway. Many of us have fears of the unknown and want to shrink back into the familiar. But, I want to challenge you to face your fears and do it anyway. TAME YOUR SNAKE.


Mattew 6: 25-34
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you,O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

2Timothy 1:7
7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

HAPPY RESTORATION DAY!!!

Today is February 18th, the day my daughter was born. She was born one year ago in 2009. She is definitely a miracle and definitely a blessing. She came at a time shortly after my husband and I had a miscarriage. On February 8, 2008, we lost a child to miscarriage. This child came to us just as easily as the two prior. We had no problems conceiving, we were happy about the pregnancy, and were going through the motions of pregnancy. Because we were old pros at this, we waited on going for our first appointment. We were taking for granted that everything was okay. We were moving with business as usual and not putting a real emphasis on this pregnancy… this blessing we were given. Then on February 8, 2008, everything changed….

I went in to see my doctor and she was pleasantly surprised to see me because we had just had a child in 2006. We went through the routine of the visit. They took my vital signs, they took my weight, they did the monitor for the baby’s heart beat…. The nurse did the monitor for the heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it, so she called in the more senior nurse to try it and she couldn’t find it. They then called in the doctor to find the heart beat and she couldn’t find it. I still wasn’t that worried because maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought. Maybe, something else was going on because I had been feeling strange this whole pregnancy, something just didn’t seem right. After all of this, including drawing some blood, they sent me home with an appointment for an ultrasound in a couple of days. That evening I came home and I felt this gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and it was blood! I was frantic because I was at home alone with my two daughters and something is going wrong. I called my doctor right away and told her what was going on, and as I sit here and I write this I can remember her words like they were yesterday, she said in a motherly kind of hush tone, “sweetie, you’re having a miscarriage”. After she said that it was as if the world went silent. The silence was so loud. After I registered what she was saying I began to bawl uncontrollably, you know that gut wrenching cry. She said, “ honey, it’s not your fault, I knew when you came in that something was wrong. It will be okay.” In that moment, it didn’t feel okay. It felt like I was being punished for something wrong. All kinds of things were running through my mind. She told me to allow it to happen naturally and then go to the ultrasound appointment in a couple of days that was already scheduled to make sure that there were no remains. I asked some more questions and she said, “if it will make you feel better, you can go to the emergency room, but there is nothing they can do at this point to stop it”. Whoa! Everything was spinning and I wasn’t really sure what happened after that. I just remember calling my husband, my sister and my parents. My husband must have been doing 100 miles an hour because he got home so quickly. I don’t even remember what he said. I just know he was in shock and was there to take care of me. Later on that evening, my sister came over to console me and just held me while I cried, all the while I was continuing to have cramps like I was in labor. Even while she was rocking me and I was crying… I was losing the baby. Needless to say this was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life, the kind of pain that reaches down into your soul. I spoke to my parents and they asked, “do you need us to come?” I was trying to be brave and said, “no we will be okay”. My dad heard my voice as only a father can and said to my mother, “we need to go”. That night they packed up and arrived the next morning. Even now that feeling of unconditional love takes over me and makes me get emotional.



During this whole time, I was kind of like in a trance because I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t know why after two perfectly healthy children, we had a miscarriage. One of the consoling things that people told me during this time was, it’s okay, I had one too, it’s very common, and this is just a natural thing that happens. After the initial pain and tears, I really was okay. I realized that I was taking the fact that I could get pregnancy easily as well as the actual life for granted. I was grateful for many things. I was grateful for my husband and my family. I was grateful for my two daughters who were healthy and had no medical issues. I was grateful for the discerning spirit that God had given me throughout this time to recognize that something was wrong and I just praised God for taking the baby so early on. He knew how much I could bear. Even since that time, I have been able to use my pain and struggle to bless others in their pain. I have been able to give God the glory and for that, we have been blessed again with our daughter Aaliyah. As I said, she was born almost a year to the day that I miscarried the previous child. GOD RESTORED WHAT WE HAD LOST! Not because we had been so good, but because He is so good. He gave us back what was taken away. I am so thankful for her and her birth. God is a healer, He is a comforter, and He is a provider. He showed up in so many ways for me in that situation, from my doctor, to my husband and family, and the unconditional love they displayed for me just like The Father displays for us every day. He even showed up in the friends who shared their stories and support for me. God is able to restore what has been taken away. He is able to repair what is broken. I call this restoration day because my daughter’s birth is a reminder of the grace God has shown us. God is waiting to show that same grace to you in your personal life and in your relationships. He is waiting to repair what is broken and to restore what has been taken. We need only ask. Ask Him today to repair your broken places, your broken relationships, and restore what once was. Ask Him to reveal to you His grace and praise Him in advance for what He has already done. Hebrews 13:15-16, 18-21 15Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. 16And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. 18Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way. 19I particularly urge you to pray so that I may be restored to you soon. 20May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Decide that today is YOUR Happy Restoration Day!

This is a picture of our blessing helping mommy with the dishes.  :)

Let's Change Our History Challenge!

As we all know February marks Black History month, but February is also a time when people remember the ones they love because of Valentine’s Day and National Marriage Week, which is February 7 – 14 this year. As we were thinking about what we could do for this awesome month, we came up with a few ideas that we wanted to share:

• The official kick-off our Blogtalk Radio Show– Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 6:30 - 7;00pm, EST
• The official kick-off of our weekly men's conference call – Tuesday, February 9, 2010 from 7:30 - 8:30 pm, EST.
• The official kick-off our I Love Being Married online community on Friday, February 12, 2010
• Order and Sale of I Love Being Married T-Shirts

  

Let’s Change Our History Challenge!

Because the statistics on marriages ending in divorce are devastating and even more so in the African American community, we have decided to challenge you to declare that you will do whatever it takes to improve your marriage. We are asking that you submit stories to us via The Marriage Coaches on Facebook , Twitter, or email that tell us what you will be doing thing month to make sure that you change the course of our history through the improvement of your marriage. We will accept written stories of your plans, video submissions as well as audio submissions until Sunday, February 28, 2010 . Each week we will post the most creative and heartfelt submissions on our blog and our facebook page. We want this to be the year that the negative statistics in the Black community are reversed, but we need your help! Below are some of the statistics that we are talking about are:

• The decline in 1st marriages from 70.3% in 1970 to 39.6% in 2008 (this statistic is of African Americans aged 20-54).

• The increase in divorces where in 1970, 69.7% of first marriages were still together but by 2008 only 50.1% were still together. Which means half of all 1st marriages for African Americans will end in divorce.

• The increase of children born without married parents. In 1970, 62.4% were born to married parents but by 2008 the number had dropped drastically to 28.4%. Which is showing our children that marriage is not important to us in the African American Community.

Believe it or not these statistics paint a grim picture of what relationships and marriages look like in the Black community and this is why we are challenging you to Change Our History from one of baby daddys and baby mommas, from dead beat dads, from a negative image of marriage as a ball and chain, being put on lockdown, infidelity or any others that you can think of to one of love, communication, legacy and commitment. If you want to take part in changing our history for our children and our children's children, then join us in the Change Our History Challenge and send us your stories of how you plan to make a change!

(Statistics shown are from the Marriage Index, which was developed by the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting)

The Journey from Something Old to Something New

Today is my wedding day! I am so filled with emotions. I am excited for the future and what our union will bring; the house, the kids, a family. I am nervous about the ceremony and whether everything will happen according to our plans. I am giddy with the thought of my new “husband”. I have been practicing my new name, writing it over and over just to see how it would look. But I’m also sad. Everyone has been telling me how happy they are for me and everyone has been congratulating me, but I can’t help but feel something else. As I’m getting ready, my mom comes in to help me prepare and she tells me that I must have something old, check, I have my grandmother’s pearl necklace; something new, check, my dress is new; something borrowed, check, I borrowed the bracelet I’m wearing from my sister; and something blue, check, I have my mother’s blue handkerchief. My mother then goes on to share with me the tradition behind this saying. As my mom is talking, I can’t help but think about what she is saying about something old symbolizing the past that I am leaving behind to start a new beginning, and something new symbolizing the hope for the future that my new husband to be and I are starting; our new union. If only she knew that in the midst of all of the excitement, I am sad.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad because of the man I’m marrying, or the thought of being married to him. I am sad about the life that I am leaving behind; the life where I can come and go as I please. I am sad about not being able to pick up and go back to my house if he gets on my nerves. I am sad about the old life I am leaving behind, the one that I have known for 26 years. I am in mourning. I am transitioning from a Miss to a Mrs. No one ever talks about what it takes to transition from single to married, from something old to something new. What does it take, what do I have to do?

This is the scenario that I went through almost 11 years ago. I thought something was wrong with me because no one ever talks about the mourning that can happen; the ending to begin when you are going from Miss to Mrs. I eventually learned that in order to have something new, I had to leave something old behind. This has been true throughout my marriage. I have learned that there is an ebb and flow to marriage. I have learned that in order to see the light, we had to go through darkness, to understand happiness we had to go through sadness, in order to appreciate peace we have had to go through war. Everyone wants the happily ever after, but no one wants to put in the hard work to get there. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, the good and the bad, the rich and the poor. When going through some of those times, you couldn’t have told me that those bad times would be for my good or the times that I felt like we were being broken down that we would later be built up. Because of this ebb and flow, I have finally begun to understand the true meaning behind the bible verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, which says in part; to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to break down and a time to build up. You see, I learned that if I want the good, I have to deal with the bad. If I want the laughter, I have to have times of tears. If I want the peace, I will have times of war. I have learned that I must appreciate the hard times because they are only preparing me for the good times. I have learned that there is a transition; there is an ebb and flow. I have learned that to transition from Miss to Mrs. I must mourn and appreciate my journey from something old to something new.