Let's Change Our History Challenge!

As we all know February marks Black History month, but February is also a time when people remember the ones they love because of Valentine’s Day and National Marriage Week, which is February 7 – 14 this year. As we were thinking about what we could do for this awesome month, we came up with a few ideas that we wanted to share:

• The official kick-off our Blogtalk Radio Show– Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 6:30 - 7;00pm, EST
• The official kick-off of our weekly men's conference call – Tuesday, February 9, 2010 from 7:30 - 8:30 pm, EST.
• The official kick-off our I Love Being Married online community on Friday, February 12, 2010
• Order and Sale of I Love Being Married T-Shirts

  

Let’s Change Our History Challenge!

Because the statistics on marriages ending in divorce are devastating and even more so in the African American community, we have decided to challenge you to declare that you will do whatever it takes to improve your marriage. We are asking that you submit stories to us via The Marriage Coaches on Facebook , Twitter, or email that tell us what you will be doing thing month to make sure that you change the course of our history through the improvement of your marriage. We will accept written stories of your plans, video submissions as well as audio submissions until Sunday, February 28, 2010 . Each week we will post the most creative and heartfelt submissions on our blog and our facebook page. We want this to be the year that the negative statistics in the Black community are reversed, but we need your help! Below are some of the statistics that we are talking about are:

• The decline in 1st marriages from 70.3% in 1970 to 39.6% in 2008 (this statistic is of African Americans aged 20-54).

• The increase in divorces where in 1970, 69.7% of first marriages were still together but by 2008 only 50.1% were still together. Which means half of all 1st marriages for African Americans will end in divorce.

• The increase of children born without married parents. In 1970, 62.4% were born to married parents but by 2008 the number had dropped drastically to 28.4%. Which is showing our children that marriage is not important to us in the African American Community.

Believe it or not these statistics paint a grim picture of what relationships and marriages look like in the Black community and this is why we are challenging you to Change Our History from one of baby daddys and baby mommas, from dead beat dads, from a negative image of marriage as a ball and chain, being put on lockdown, infidelity or any others that you can think of to one of love, communication, legacy and commitment. If you want to take part in changing our history for our children and our children's children, then join us in the Change Our History Challenge and send us your stories of how you plan to make a change!

(Statistics shown are from the Marriage Index, which was developed by the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting)

The Journey from Something Old to Something New

Today is my wedding day! I am so filled with emotions. I am excited for the future and what our union will bring; the house, the kids, a family. I am nervous about the ceremony and whether everything will happen according to our plans. I am giddy with the thought of my new “husband”. I have been practicing my new name, writing it over and over just to see how it would look. But I’m also sad. Everyone has been telling me how happy they are for me and everyone has been congratulating me, but I can’t help but feel something else. As I’m getting ready, my mom comes in to help me prepare and she tells me that I must have something old, check, I have my grandmother’s pearl necklace; something new, check, my dress is new; something borrowed, check, I borrowed the bracelet I’m wearing from my sister; and something blue, check, I have my mother’s blue handkerchief. My mother then goes on to share with me the tradition behind this saying. As my mom is talking, I can’t help but think about what she is saying about something old symbolizing the past that I am leaving behind to start a new beginning, and something new symbolizing the hope for the future that my new husband to be and I are starting; our new union. If only she knew that in the midst of all of the excitement, I am sad.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad because of the man I’m marrying, or the thought of being married to him. I am sad about the life that I am leaving behind; the life where I can come and go as I please. I am sad about not being able to pick up and go back to my house if he gets on my nerves. I am sad about the old life I am leaving behind, the one that I have known for 26 years. I am in mourning. I am transitioning from a Miss to a Mrs. No one ever talks about what it takes to transition from single to married, from something old to something new. What does it take, what do I have to do?

This is the scenario that I went through almost 11 years ago. I thought something was wrong with me because no one ever talks about the mourning that can happen; the ending to begin when you are going from Miss to Mrs. I eventually learned that in order to have something new, I had to leave something old behind. This has been true throughout my marriage. I have learned that there is an ebb and flow to marriage. I have learned that in order to see the light, we had to go through darkness, to understand happiness we had to go through sadness, in order to appreciate peace we have had to go through war. Everyone wants the happily ever after, but no one wants to put in the hard work to get there. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, the good and the bad, the rich and the poor. When going through some of those times, you couldn’t have told me that those bad times would be for my good or the times that I felt like we were being broken down that we would later be built up. Because of this ebb and flow, I have finally begun to understand the true meaning behind the bible verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, which says in part; to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to break down and a time to build up. You see, I learned that if I want the good, I have to deal with the bad. If I want the laughter, I have to have times of tears. If I want the peace, I will have times of war. I have learned that I must appreciate the hard times because they are only preparing me for the good times. I have learned that there is a transition; there is an ebb and flow. I have learned that to transition from Miss to Mrs. I must mourn and appreciate my journey from something old to something new.

Just Junk It

We were recently on a family vacation and were traveling along when we began to hear these funny noises coming from the truck, neither one of us could figure out what was going on. The noises were getting louder and louder. We eventually had to stop to have the truck checked because some of the lights warning you when something is wrong were flashing. Well this is after midnight on the New Jersey Turnpike and we are on our way to Virginia. We pull over to the service station and the guy says, let me hear what’s going on with your truck. We turned the truck on and he said, oh no shut it off. I know exactly what it is, he said, your engine is gone. What!!! The engine was gone, the heart of the truck was broken. Can you imagine being at a service station in the middle of the night with your entire family husband, wife and three children? This was anyone’s worst nightmare. The guy said you could either let the truck go or because it was in such good condition in all other respects, we could replace the old engine and get a new one. The guy said we would not make it back to New York and certainly not to Virginia, but he thought we could make it to the next exit four or five miles away. He said if you go there you can get a hotel for the night and figure out what you need to do in the morning. After saying all of this, he then said make sure that you take your time and only drive about 20 – 30 miles per hour because if you don’t you could completely blow out the engine and be stuck on the side of the road on the turnpike. Oh my God, is all I could think. What have we gotten ourselves into? Well, we decided to take our chances and get to the nearest hotel and get the kids to a safe place so that we could make a good decision the next morning. I know you know that I was praying the whole way.

The next morning my husband was on the phone calling our mechanic at home, family nearby who was wondering where we were and how we were doing, and local tow services. Many of them had all kinds of advice including one that stuck out to me. Just junk it. Hmmm. That statement says a lot about how our society thinks today. When something is too hard or gets to be too much of a burden, we want to just junk it. When a rift occurs that appears to be too much of a hassle we want to just junk it. What about those people who have at times in their marriage gotten to a place where it seemed like there was no room for repair of the relationship because it would take too much work, it was too hard, the heart of their relationship was broken, so they want to just put it away and just junk it.

Marriage is not one of those things that when it gets too hard that you just junk it. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and covenant between that man, that woman and God. In Mark 10:1-12 the Bible talks about how the Pharisees were asking Jesus about Moses allowing people who were married to divorce. Jesus answered them saying that Moses only allowed this because of the hardening of their hearts, but this was never the intention of God. He meant for marriage to between one man and one woman who would be joined together as one and not separate. Yes once the heart or the engine of a marriage is hardened it takes a lot of work to make repairs. It takes a lot of effort. There may even be some sweat and a whole lot of tears. However, if you to take it slow, get the help and support that you need, seek the Lord in prayer, don’t listen to outsiders who tell you it’s not worth it and ultimately make the decision that you want to work on your marriage and keep your covenant, you won’t come to the conclusion to just junk it.