Quarterly Marriage Tune Up

On a scale of 1-10, rate the following statements, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest.


1. I am happy with my marriage / relationship.

2. My needs are being met in my marriage / relationship.

3. My marriage / relationship is in a better place than it was this time last year.

The number you chose should signify your gut reaction to each question. Why isn't the number lower than the number you chose; why isn't worse? There is a reason you chose your number. Why isn't your number highe; why isn't it betterr? How can the number improve, even a half point. What do YOU have to do to move your number up in practical steps. For example, you rated the statement my needs are being met with a number 3? Well, what has to be done to move your 3 to a number 4? What can you tangibly change to make this better in these next 3 months, even if that means communicating this with your spouse ? You can only be responsible for changing your own behavior. You can't change anyone else!

Think of the quarterly checkup like a tune up for your relationship. If you check in with your spouse on a regular basis resentment has less of an opportunity to build up. Use it as a tool, NOT AN ARGUMENT STARTER!

The Day I was Born

It was August 19, 1999. I’ve always been an active person, had a life with friends and family around. I’ve had loving relationships and people who have cared about me. I’ve been in love a couple of times, but never like this. On this day, I truly learned what love is and what it takes to love someone truly unconditionally. This was the day that my daughter Alexis was born.


I was fearful of her birth even resentful, even until the day if her delivery. Her birth meant the death of the person that I knew myself to be. I was just coming into being a woman. I was 25 and recently married. We had only been married about 6 months when she was born. She represented pain, disappointment, and joy all wrapped up in this neat little package. I resented her presence because she came at a time when she should not have. As I said before, my husband and I were only married for 6 months when she was born, so obviously she was conceived while we were engaged. For me this was catastrophic.

My daughter was born on August 19, 1999 and looking back, I feel like that was the day I was born too. For the last 6 months of my pregnancy, I was at home. During this time, God decided to reveal many things to me. He revealed that my daughter was not a burden but a blessing and that this was one of the greatest gifts that He could have given me. He revealed that yes it would be a lot of work and an awesome responsibility, but it would also be and awakening for me. During my time at home, I developed focus and a vision for my life. He revealed that I could continue to look at her as a burden or I could look at her as the blessing that she was. He would also reveal that my daughter is a blessing in many ways but the first would be that she did not have Sickle Cell a disease that plagues many African Americans, even though my husband and I are carriers of the Sickle Cell trait. This was truly a blessed day.

Many blessings were to follow. He showed me that my life was full of meaning and purpose even though I had my doubts, that I was meant for more than I was doing with my life at the time. He showed me that if I trust in Him, my vision could come true. God and I have had an incredible journey together, but no moment has been as great as the day I was born.

I was born on August 19, 1999. I truly came alive, I became impassioned and shown that you don’t have to go through life aimlessly and uncertain about your future. I was given wisdom, vision, truth and courage on that day. I was allowed the opportunity to become manager of a small organization. I was given fuel for a fire that was lit in me many years ago but never realized until that moment. I learned what true love is and what true sacrifice is. I became a woman. I was born. I want to thank God for giving me this wonderful gift and blessing me to take a journey of discovery, understanding and wisdom. A journey that has empowered me and a journey that has inspired me to empower others. A journey that will take me to many places unforeseen. A journey that has awakened my soul, my spirit, my joy, my pain, my love, my worry, my understanding, my caring, my nurturing, my sense of self, my determination, my drive, my courage, my desire to do what’s wise and best, and my desire to be the best mother that she could ever ask for.

I wrote this when my daughter was about two or three and today she is 11. I could not have asked for a better blessing or be more proud. Even though I have made many mistakes along the way and have been unsure of my choices a lot, the young lady she is growing into being assures me that no matter what God is in control of all that I may mess up. I know that I am only a steward over this Great gift. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank Him for blessing me on this day 11 years ago with the greatest gift. I am truly humbled by how He moves in her life and by the fact that He chose me to be her mother.

10 Tips to Have That Wedding Day Love Last a Lifetime

Marriage takes a lot of hard work and effort from both partners, but there is still such a thing as being able to say, I Love Being Married.


1. Respect One Another. We have so many people who come in to see us and their primary complaint when it is all boiled down is that they feel disrespected in some way or another by what their spouse has said or done. Find out what your partner sees as disrespectful and work on correcting any behaviors that are needed before they become an entrenched part of how you deal with one another.

2. Over Communicate. We call it over communication especially in the first years of marriage when you are still trying to get into the groove of a steady marriage. We also call it over communication because you need to talk about everything even the minor details so that there is no room for misunderstandings. You especially need to communicate about what your expectations are for one another. For example, women, do you expect the man to be responsible for doing all of the yard work? Men do you expect that your wife will be the primary caretaker of your children? Many of the expectations we place on one another come from that unspoken place of your childhood based on what you did or did not see and can cause a major issue if they are not spoken.

3. Love Unselfishly. You know that wedding day love or the love you have right now before the reality of life hits. This is that, I will do anything for you love. This is the kind of love that loves even when the other is unlovable. Unselfish love looks like giving up your favorite show and watching a basketball game with your fiance (without complaining). Unselfish love looks like going with your soon- to- be wife to look at the bridesmaid’s dresses so that she can feel like you are a part of the process even though you could care less about what the women are wearing in the wedding.

4. Work to Become One in Thought Word and Deed. Being married is a team sport and you have to be playing for the same team, working for the same goals, which should be for the betterment of your family. You cannot allow other people or preoccupations come between your ability to begin to act as one unit.

5. Positively Resolving Conflict. One of the biggest differences in having a successful marriage and one that fails is finding a way to work on your conflicts in a positive way. Conflict can turn ugly and cause continued turmoil if not handled effectively. We call this Rules of Engagement, which are the rules you put in place to handle your conflict so that both parties can feel like the issue was resolved in the best interest of your family (your team).

6. Maintain Your Friendship. Fellas, I always tell people that my wife is my best friend. She is the one who knows the most about me and has my back. She is my ride or die chick. Ladies the same should go for you. My husband is my best friend and he is the one that I can’t wait to tell my good news or even the bad. He is also the one that I go to when I have an issue even with him, which leads me to my next point.

7. Keep Others Out of Your Relationship. How can you become one when you have your girlfriends, your boys and even your momma in the middle of your relationship? One exception to this tip is; we do believe everyone needs some wise counsel. You should choose at least one person of the same sex who has similar values and ideals to be your accountability partner to help keep you in check. This person should be someone who is always willing to tell you the truth whether you’re right or wrong. In most instances, we would advise that this person is NOT your mother unless she is truly able to keep herself from taking sides.

8. Nourish and Cherish One Another. Take care of one another. Understand and appreciate your mate. Find out what their love language is according to the Five Love Languages of Dr. Gary Chapman and then learn to speak their love language. The five love languages are 1. Words of Affirmation 2. Acts of Service 3. Gifts 4. Quality Time 5. Physical Touch. These are the things that make your partner feel loved and appreciated. These are also the things that if they are not done can make your partner feel deprived. For example, my love language is quality time and my husband’s is physical touch. This means I feel loved appreciated and in complete connection with my husband when we spend time together with no interruptions from kids or distractions from phones or other gadgets. For my husband, this means that he feels loved, appreciated and completely connected when I physically touch him in any way. We have found that one of the core issues couples have is they don’t know how to take care of one another. They don’t know how to nourish and cherish their partner.

9. Communicate With One Another Intimately on a Regular Basis. There was a study that came out recently that says that physical touch is even more important in the communication between partners than verbal or nonverbal communication. Do not deprive each other sexually out of anger or selfishness. In the age of Facebook and other social media it is too easy to reconnect with someone you once loved.

10. Create Shared Values. Create your own values for your home together. Don’t base them solely on the values you developed growing up as a child or those things that you are now trying so hard to do the opposite of or those things that you didn’t see done as a child. Fellas many of us grew up without a father in the home, so we try to overcompensate when it is our turn to be a father based on what we didn’t get as a child. Create shared values from a space of what you do want not from a space of what you don’t.

*Bonus Tip – As our pastor would say, we are going to throw this one in for free. Be Willing. Be willing to ….. forgive, take chances, be flexible to the ebb and flow of life and the changes that it can bring, and love hard.


As we have said, marriage is not easy, but if you are willing to put in the work and listen to what your partner is asking for, you can maintain that wedding day love for a lifetime.

Mommy and Daddy and 46 Years!

Mommy and Daddy in the Beginning Years 

Yesterday March 7th marked the 46th anniversary of my parent’s marriage. When I spoke to my parents yesterday to ask them how many years it was my mom said, “oh it’s been about 40 years”. My dad was in the background yelling, “46 years”. Talking to each of them yesterday was very funny, as usual. When I was talking to my dad, he remembered that our anniversary is at the end of the month and he asked me how many years is it, and I said 11 years. Then he said, “oh that’s just a drop in the bucket”. I could do nothing but laugh. He was right in comparison to his relationship with my mom, but I told him that a lot of people don’t even make it as far as we have.

I thought about how I would write about them and what I would say. I thought about the number of years they have been together and the number of years they have known each other. They have known each other since they were in the 6th grade. I thought about the ups and downs they had as a couple, the struggles they had as well as the triumphs. I think back now about how they raised my sister and me and the values they instilled in us, education, family, respect of self and family, love for one another and family and many more. I think about the butt whoopings my sister got and I avoided. I think about the family vacations, the family holidays and the sense of love and security that I felt as a child. As I now look back on their marriage and relationship, I remember watching the Huxtables and not envying them for having a two parent household as so many others did. I think about how many people have adopted my dad as their dad, because theirs was absent or non-existent.

Now don’t get me wrong, my parent’s marriage has its quirks just like anyone else’s relationship, but the good outweighs the bad. Their marriage reminds me of what sacrifice is and why it is so important in a marriage. They walked out in real life in front of my eyes what people do, who say, ‘til death do us part. Throughout their marriage, there have been financial issues as well as sickness just like in many other relationships, but they stood by each other no matter what. No matter what is no longer in people’s vocabulary. The words these days sound a little bit more like, only if, which puts a lot of conditions on why people decide to stay in their marriages. One recent episode of no matter what occurred when my mom broke her right arm in California while they were attending a family reunion back in July. Because of the severity of the break to my mom’s arm she was unable to do most things on her own, including doing her hair. Now my dad comes from the old school where dad’s don’t know how to do a girl’s hair so for him to roll and then comb my mom’ s hair was huge! He cooked and served all of her meals, gave her twice daily insulin shots for 7 months and even drove Miss Daisy around wherever she wanted to go including meeting her partner so they could go to work. The level of care and concern that my dad showed my mom during this time showed me what sacrificial love looks like on a daily basis and emphasized his love for her. Seeing how he cared for her brought me to tears on many occasions and I had to thank him for what he was doing. His response to me was that’s what I’m supposed to do.

I have often thought about why some of my favorite characters in movies were the ones in which Black women stood proudly by their men and supported them through thick and thin. In my eyes, my mom was the original ride or die chick. She had my dad’s back through so many years of marriage, parenting and everyday life. She showed me what it looked like to take care of your family at all costs. She even in later years showed me what it looks like when the bible talks about a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. On one occasion in my first year of marriage, my husband and I had an argument and I called myself leaving with my baby on my hip dragging my bags behind me. Because at the time we lived about ten minutes away from my parents, I went to their home for refuge. When my mom answered the door and saw what looked like I was leaving my husband, she gave me the once over to make sure that I was okay and politely told me, “we don’t condone that, you can stay here tonight, but you have got to go home in the morning”. What? Can you believe that, they told me to go home! In retrospect, that was the best thing they could have ever done. That evening they made sure I was okay physically and never made mention of that evening again. No matter the struggles we have gone through they have never questioned nor inserted themselves into our marriage. Although their marriage has not been perfect but neither is mine, watching them has taught me many things that I can and do carry into my relationship and what I can share with others, which is their love and sacrifice for one another and for us, their undying support for one another, their commitment to their relationship, and their continued desire to be married even after 46 years. Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy, I Love you!

Mommy and Daddy after Years Together!

Why I Love Being Married

For those of you who don't know, Ben and I started The Marriage Coaches in November of 2008 as an answer to God's call for us. We have been married for almost 11 years (March 27). We have had many trials and tribulations and issues in our marriage to varying degrees. I always say we have dealt with everything except abuse and infidelity, almost everything else, you name and we have dealt with it.


Even early on in our marriage, we dealt with issues of one of us wanting to end the relationship or being impacted by the divorce of a close family friend. Even then, God was preparing us for this day. We decided to do a monthly tribute to marriage. Our pastor at the time gave us permission to have seasoned couples get up during service and share with the rest of us what it took to be happily married. We even planned a cruise for married couples. During that time, we got to hear from several couples, but two couples stood out to me the most because the husband of one couple (Jones) and the wife of the other (Brewtons) have since passed, but the memory of their words and inspiration still lives on as an inspiration of what a lifetime of love and commitment looks like even in death.

Fast forward several years and here we are after logging many hours as a therapist and providing pre-marital sessions for the church and various groups, the message of I Love Being Married was delivered. My husband was talking to one of his good single male friends who told him, I can see that you have a great relationship with your wife. You are the same person even whe she is not around. You act the same way around her and she lets you be yourself and she can be herself. Side Note: Ben is very active and busy and energetic, I on the other hand am very laid back, but we compliment each other very well. Anyway, he told Ben you make me want to get married because you look like you love being married. Wow, what a statement! He could see the love my husband had for me even when I was not around by his actions and his words. This is how I Love Being Married was born. God used him to show us how He wants to use us! I thank God for using him and for our ability to move in faith to follow.

I Love Being Married is a movement that we want to take over the world! This is something bigger than us. I think we had taken for granted the power of these words recently. But, these words carry a lot of power. The words I love being married carries a lot of emotions for people good and bad based on their experience with marriage. We've had many reactions from, I love that where can I be a part of it, to his wife made him wear that shirt or even you're such a liar. Unfortunately, the bad comments have resounded louder than the good. We want to change that. We're not asking people to join a movement to support us as individuals, but in support of The I Love Being Married Movement. You may not be able to say this today but on days when I don't even feel like saying it, seeing those words plastered everywhere makes me stand up and take notice. I have to check myself. Who gon' check me boo, if I don't check myself. Please share this note and your commitment to this movement by asking others to become fans of The Marriage Coaches on Facebook and by using our symbol of the I Love Being Married rings on your wall or even as your profile pic. We love each other and our extended family on all of our communities and want to spread some of this love and inspiration to others to show that you can go from thoughts of divorce to being able to say, I Love Being Married.

Thanks for your support,

Benjamin and Alisha Walker
The Marriage Coaches

Tame Your Snake

My daughter and I were having a discussion about making choices and how you can make the best decision for your life. It is so divine that we were having this discussion now because Ben and I are in the midst of making some pretty life changing choices as well. I have wanted to write something about this video for the longest because it epitomizes what I tell my daughter and MYSELF all the time, face your fears and do it anyway.

My daughter is extremely shy, just as I was at her age and on into adulthood. She is coming out of her shell a lot earlier than I did.  I didn't really release some of my shyness until I was an adult and only after much prayer, faith and waterwalking. All of us will have choices in life that we have to make that could change the course of our lives forever. I call this the sliding door moment. You can choose to go left and your life will open up to new adventure, change, excitement, some pain and heartache because all of this is a part of life, but you are living fully present everyday, because you have chosen to be there. The other choice is to go right, the way that you already know because it is familiar, it is comfortable, it is easy and there is no fear or faith invovled. Well, after I saw my daughter holding this snake and allowing it to move around her even though she was afraid, I learned in an even greater and tangible way how adventure and the unknown are only conquered when you face your fears and do it anyway. Tomorrow is unknown. You must have faith to move forward. At times when God is growing your faith, He only gives you just enough light for the step you're on and you have to face your fears, have faith and do it anyway. Many of us have fears of the unknown and want to shrink back into the familiar. But, I want to challenge you to face your fears and do it anyway. TAME YOUR SNAKE.


Mattew 6: 25-34
25 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you,O you of little faith? 31Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

2Timothy 1:7
7For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

HAPPY RESTORATION DAY!!!

Today is February 18th, the day my daughter was born. She was born one year ago in 2009. She is definitely a miracle and definitely a blessing. She came at a time shortly after my husband and I had a miscarriage. On February 8, 2008, we lost a child to miscarriage. This child came to us just as easily as the two prior. We had no problems conceiving, we were happy about the pregnancy, and were going through the motions of pregnancy. Because we were old pros at this, we waited on going for our first appointment. We were taking for granted that everything was okay. We were moving with business as usual and not putting a real emphasis on this pregnancy… this blessing we were given. Then on February 8, 2008, everything changed….

I went in to see my doctor and she was pleasantly surprised to see me because we had just had a child in 2006. We went through the routine of the visit. They took my vital signs, they took my weight, they did the monitor for the baby’s heart beat…. The nurse did the monitor for the heartbeat, but she couldn’t find it, so she called in the more senior nurse to try it and she couldn’t find it. They then called in the doctor to find the heart beat and she couldn’t find it. I still wasn’t that worried because maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought. Maybe, something else was going on because I had been feeling strange this whole pregnancy, something just didn’t seem right. After all of this, including drawing some blood, they sent me home with an appointment for an ultrasound in a couple of days. That evening I came home and I felt this gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and it was blood! I was frantic because I was at home alone with my two daughters and something is going wrong. I called my doctor right away and told her what was going on, and as I sit here and I write this I can remember her words like they were yesterday, she said in a motherly kind of hush tone, “sweetie, you’re having a miscarriage”. After she said that it was as if the world went silent. The silence was so loud. After I registered what she was saying I began to bawl uncontrollably, you know that gut wrenching cry. She said, “ honey, it’s not your fault, I knew when you came in that something was wrong. It will be okay.” In that moment, it didn’t feel okay. It felt like I was being punished for something wrong. All kinds of things were running through my mind. She told me to allow it to happen naturally and then go to the ultrasound appointment in a couple of days that was already scheduled to make sure that there were no remains. I asked some more questions and she said, “if it will make you feel better, you can go to the emergency room, but there is nothing they can do at this point to stop it”. Whoa! Everything was spinning and I wasn’t really sure what happened after that. I just remember calling my husband, my sister and my parents. My husband must have been doing 100 miles an hour because he got home so quickly. I don’t even remember what he said. I just know he was in shock and was there to take care of me. Later on that evening, my sister came over to console me and just held me while I cried, all the while I was continuing to have cramps like I was in labor. Even while she was rocking me and I was crying… I was losing the baby. Needless to say this was one of the most painful experiences I have ever had in my life, the kind of pain that reaches down into your soul. I spoke to my parents and they asked, “do you need us to come?” I was trying to be brave and said, “no we will be okay”. My dad heard my voice as only a father can and said to my mother, “we need to go”. That night they packed up and arrived the next morning. Even now that feeling of unconditional love takes over me and makes me get emotional.



During this whole time, I was kind of like in a trance because I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t know why after two perfectly healthy children, we had a miscarriage. One of the consoling things that people told me during this time was, it’s okay, I had one too, it’s very common, and this is just a natural thing that happens. After the initial pain and tears, I really was okay. I realized that I was taking the fact that I could get pregnancy easily as well as the actual life for granted. I was grateful for many things. I was grateful for my husband and my family. I was grateful for my two daughters who were healthy and had no medical issues. I was grateful for the discerning spirit that God had given me throughout this time to recognize that something was wrong and I just praised God for taking the baby so early on. He knew how much I could bear. Even since that time, I have been able to use my pain and struggle to bless others in their pain. I have been able to give God the glory and for that, we have been blessed again with our daughter Aaliyah. As I said, she was born almost a year to the day that I miscarried the previous child. GOD RESTORED WHAT WE HAD LOST! Not because we had been so good, but because He is so good. He gave us back what was taken away. I am so thankful for her and her birth. God is a healer, He is a comforter, and He is a provider. He showed up in so many ways for me in that situation, from my doctor, to my husband and family, and the unconditional love they displayed for me just like The Father displays for us every day. He even showed up in the friends who shared their stories and support for me. God is able to restore what has been taken away. He is able to repair what is broken. I call this restoration day because my daughter’s birth is a reminder of the grace God has shown us. God is waiting to show that same grace to you in your personal life and in your relationships. He is waiting to repair what is broken and to restore what has been taken. We need only ask. Ask Him today to repair your broken places, your broken relationships, and restore what once was. Ask Him to reveal to you His grace and praise Him in advance for what He has already done. Hebrews 13:15-16, 18-21 15Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name. 16And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. 18Pray for us. We are sure that we have a clear conscience and desire to live honorably in every way. 19I particularly urge you to pray so that I may be restored to you soon. 20May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Decide that today is YOUR Happy Restoration Day!

This is a picture of our blessing helping mommy with the dishes.  :)

Let's Change Our History Challenge!

As we all know February marks Black History month, but February is also a time when people remember the ones they love because of Valentine’s Day and National Marriage Week, which is February 7 – 14 this year. As we were thinking about what we could do for this awesome month, we came up with a few ideas that we wanted to share:

• The official kick-off our Blogtalk Radio Show– Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 6:30 - 7;00pm, EST
• The official kick-off of our weekly men's conference call – Tuesday, February 9, 2010 from 7:30 - 8:30 pm, EST.
• The official kick-off our I Love Being Married online community on Friday, February 12, 2010
• Order and Sale of I Love Being Married T-Shirts

  

Let’s Change Our History Challenge!

Because the statistics on marriages ending in divorce are devastating and even more so in the African American community, we have decided to challenge you to declare that you will do whatever it takes to improve your marriage. We are asking that you submit stories to us via The Marriage Coaches on Facebook , Twitter, or email that tell us what you will be doing thing month to make sure that you change the course of our history through the improvement of your marriage. We will accept written stories of your plans, video submissions as well as audio submissions until Sunday, February 28, 2010 . Each week we will post the most creative and heartfelt submissions on our blog and our facebook page. We want this to be the year that the negative statistics in the Black community are reversed, but we need your help! Below are some of the statistics that we are talking about are:

• The decline in 1st marriages from 70.3% in 1970 to 39.6% in 2008 (this statistic is of African Americans aged 20-54).

• The increase in divorces where in 1970, 69.7% of first marriages were still together but by 2008 only 50.1% were still together. Which means half of all 1st marriages for African Americans will end in divorce.

• The increase of children born without married parents. In 1970, 62.4% were born to married parents but by 2008 the number had dropped drastically to 28.4%. Which is showing our children that marriage is not important to us in the African American Community.

Believe it or not these statistics paint a grim picture of what relationships and marriages look like in the Black community and this is why we are challenging you to Change Our History from one of baby daddys and baby mommas, from dead beat dads, from a negative image of marriage as a ball and chain, being put on lockdown, infidelity or any others that you can think of to one of love, communication, legacy and commitment. If you want to take part in changing our history for our children and our children's children, then join us in the Change Our History Challenge and send us your stories of how you plan to make a change!

(Statistics shown are from the Marriage Index, which was developed by the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting)

The Journey from Something Old to Something New

Today is my wedding day! I am so filled with emotions. I am excited for the future and what our union will bring; the house, the kids, a family. I am nervous about the ceremony and whether everything will happen according to our plans. I am giddy with the thought of my new “husband”. I have been practicing my new name, writing it over and over just to see how it would look. But I’m also sad. Everyone has been telling me how happy they are for me and everyone has been congratulating me, but I can’t help but feel something else. As I’m getting ready, my mom comes in to help me prepare and she tells me that I must have something old, check, I have my grandmother’s pearl necklace; something new, check, my dress is new; something borrowed, check, I borrowed the bracelet I’m wearing from my sister; and something blue, check, I have my mother’s blue handkerchief. My mother then goes on to share with me the tradition behind this saying. As my mom is talking, I can’t help but think about what she is saying about something old symbolizing the past that I am leaving behind to start a new beginning, and something new symbolizing the hope for the future that my new husband to be and I are starting; our new union. If only she knew that in the midst of all of the excitement, I am sad.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad because of the man I’m marrying, or the thought of being married to him. I am sad about the life that I am leaving behind; the life where I can come and go as I please. I am sad about not being able to pick up and go back to my house if he gets on my nerves. I am sad about the old life I am leaving behind, the one that I have known for 26 years. I am in mourning. I am transitioning from a Miss to a Mrs. No one ever talks about what it takes to transition from single to married, from something old to something new. What does it take, what do I have to do?

This is the scenario that I went through almost 11 years ago. I thought something was wrong with me because no one ever talks about the mourning that can happen; the ending to begin when you are going from Miss to Mrs. I eventually learned that in order to have something new, I had to leave something old behind. This has been true throughout my marriage. I have learned that there is an ebb and flow to marriage. I have learned that in order to see the light, we had to go through darkness, to understand happiness we had to go through sadness, in order to appreciate peace we have had to go through war. Everyone wants the happily ever after, but no one wants to put in the hard work to get there. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, the good and the bad, the rich and the poor. When going through some of those times, you couldn’t have told me that those bad times would be for my good or the times that I felt like we were being broken down that we would later be built up. Because of this ebb and flow, I have finally begun to understand the true meaning behind the bible verse in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, which says in part; to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to break down and a time to build up. You see, I learned that if I want the good, I have to deal with the bad. If I want the laughter, I have to have times of tears. If I want the peace, I will have times of war. I have learned that I must appreciate the hard times because they are only preparing me for the good times. I have learned that there is a transition; there is an ebb and flow. I have learned that to transition from Miss to Mrs. I must mourn and appreciate my journey from something old to something new.

Show and Tell

Ladies, don't focus on what your man is not doing or what you want him to do. Focus on what he is doing and appreciate him for that. Today is show and tell, let him know how much you appreciate him.

Renew Your Mind

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you could change your marriage? What it would take. How much work it would require? Would you have the energy to do so? Do you even think that your marriage is worth it? If you are willing to work on it, is your spouse willing to work on it? If you do the work, will your spouse even notice? Will your spouse participate in making the marriage better? What if you do all this work and they remain the same? Would you still be willing? Take the time to set the stage for change to renew your mind to a positive workable state of mind. Be willing to take responsibility and make some changes.

An Obama State of Mind

An article was published on Sunday, November 1, in The New York Times that talks about the Obama marriage. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/magazine/01Obama-t.html Days before and since, there has been much debate about whether they should be getting as much press about their marriage or whether their relationship is worth looking at as different than any other. I want to add my two cents to the conversation.



The article discussed many aspects of their marriage including a time that was their roughest, when they were having trouble. The highlights from this article, if used in the right context, could give us a glimpse into how a couple even with such high demands as the first couple can continue to love one another even through the tough times. The article may even be able to give the rest of us cues on how to make a marriage work and by understanding how to make a marriage work we can be inspired to make some changes in the devastatingly low statistics surrounding marriage in the Black community.


This summer, there was a study published, called the Marriage Index, which was developed by the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting as well as the Institute for American Values. The Marriage Index proposes that there needs to be a national index to track marriages, just like we track everything else. In this index, marriage is highlighted in five areas, which are percentage of adults married (ages 20-54), percentage of married persons “very happy” with their marriages (ages 18 and up), percentage of first marriages intact (ages 20 – 59), percentage of births to married parents, percentage of children living with own married parents. These five areas highlighted in the index show some troubling information especially in the Black community. Here are some of the statistics:

• In 1970, 70.3% of African American adults (ages 20 – 54) were married but by 2008 the number of African Americans adults that were married (ages 20 – 54) had dropped dramatically to 39.6%.


• In 1970, the percentage of first marriages that were intact was 69.7%, but by 2008, the number of first marriages intact was 50.1%, which means that 50% of all marriages in the Black community ended in divorce.


• The last area that I will highlight is the percentage of births to married parents, in 1970 this was 62.4% but in 2008 the numbers had dropped drastically to 28.4%. This means that the majority of African American children are being born to unmarried parents, single parent households, or cohabiting couples. This is possibly one of the most alarming trends because the numbers are low enough for the first marriages but now our children are seeing that marriage doesn’t have to be an option and that the stability that a marriage can bring is no longer the norm in the black community.
  

With these facts staring us in the face, we NEED some positive roles models in the Black community to show us that marriage can work even though it may be bumpy. The Obama’s marriage at this time is one of those role models. In The New York Times article, they shared very candidly about their relationship and how they have been affected by the ups and downs of marriage.

“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . .” Michelle Obama said a few minutes later in the interview. The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project,” she said. “It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.”

Here are some insights that I gleaned from the interview that could help any marriage:

1. A good marriage is worth fighting for.


2. Everyone has differences.


3. Acceptance of what your marriage looks like. If you don’t like what it looks like, you have to put in the work to change it.


4. Marriage is a team approach, not a one man or one woman sport.


5. Support of one another’s goals and dreams.


6. The “I got your back mentality”.


7. Communication is key.


8. Do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, even doing away with the traditional roles mindset.


9. Always wanting the best for one another.


10. Supporting one another even through failures, not throwing it up in the other one’s face, no I told you so.


11. Be protective of your wife and be protective of your husband.


12. We need each other to truly succeed.


13. Intimacy is key.


14. Continue to date one another.


15. The love the two of you share should be evident to those around you.


16. Seek the support of others who support the success of your marriage.


17. Marriage is a lifetime of renegotiations.


18. Marriage can be good and can be happy.

These are just some of the key points that I took away from the article. Ultimately, the article shows a couple who has had some bumps in the road of their relationship, but is continuing to shape the future of their marriage in a very positive way not only for their children, but for ours. The Obamas are truly an inspiration to all of us of what a happy marriage can look like. Can you say the same about yours? Take some of these key points to create your own Obama state of mind, your own happy marriage and become a role model for marriage in your community.

Just Junk It

We were recently on a family vacation and were traveling along when we began to hear these funny noises coming from the truck, neither one of us could figure out what was going on. The noises were getting louder and louder. We eventually had to stop to have the truck checked because some of the lights warning you when something is wrong were flashing. Well this is after midnight on the New Jersey Turnpike and we are on our way to Virginia. We pull over to the service station and the guy says, let me hear what’s going on with your truck. We turned the truck on and he said, oh no shut it off. I know exactly what it is, he said, your engine is gone. What!!! The engine was gone, the heart of the truck was broken. Can you imagine being at a service station in the middle of the night with your entire family husband, wife and three children? This was anyone’s worst nightmare. The guy said you could either let the truck go or because it was in such good condition in all other respects, we could replace the old engine and get a new one. The guy said we would not make it back to New York and certainly not to Virginia, but he thought we could make it to the next exit four or five miles away. He said if you go there you can get a hotel for the night and figure out what you need to do in the morning. After saying all of this, he then said make sure that you take your time and only drive about 20 – 30 miles per hour because if you don’t you could completely blow out the engine and be stuck on the side of the road on the turnpike. Oh my God, is all I could think. What have we gotten ourselves into? Well, we decided to take our chances and get to the nearest hotel and get the kids to a safe place so that we could make a good decision the next morning. I know you know that I was praying the whole way.

The next morning my husband was on the phone calling our mechanic at home, family nearby who was wondering where we were and how we were doing, and local tow services. Many of them had all kinds of advice including one that stuck out to me. Just junk it. Hmmm. That statement says a lot about how our society thinks today. When something is too hard or gets to be too much of a burden, we want to just junk it. When a rift occurs that appears to be too much of a hassle we want to just junk it. What about those people who have at times in their marriage gotten to a place where it seemed like there was no room for repair of the relationship because it would take too much work, it was too hard, the heart of their relationship was broken, so they want to just put it away and just junk it.

Marriage is not one of those things that when it gets too hard that you just junk it. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and covenant between that man, that woman and God. In Mark 10:1-12 the Bible talks about how the Pharisees were asking Jesus about Moses allowing people who were married to divorce. Jesus answered them saying that Moses only allowed this because of the hardening of their hearts, but this was never the intention of God. He meant for marriage to between one man and one woman who would be joined together as one and not separate. Yes once the heart or the engine of a marriage is hardened it takes a lot of work to make repairs. It takes a lot of effort. There may even be some sweat and a whole lot of tears. However, if you to take it slow, get the help and support that you need, seek the Lord in prayer, don’t listen to outsiders who tell you it’s not worth it and ultimately make the decision that you want to work on your marriage and keep your covenant, you won’t come to the conclusion to just junk it.

Welcome

Welcome to our blog, I Love Being Married. This blog will contain information to help you in your dating, engaged and married relationships. We hope that you will use this information to help better your relationships. Ultimately, we would like for everyone who reads this blog to find some tools to help them one day be able to join us in the movement of people that are saying, "I Love Being Married".

Rules of Engagement

When you are in conflict with your spouse, how do you view it? Do you see conflict as a healthy part of every marital relationship that needs to happen in order for your relationship to grow, or do you see it as a battle that you must win in order to get what you want? Your answer to this may answer your question of why is it every time you and your spouse are in conflict, it becomes a heated battle that no one really wins.

Every marriage will have conflict, it is just a matter of how you deal with the conflict that will determine (1)how much conflict you will have or (2) the outcome of that conflict. When engaging in discussion on issues with your spouse, you can view it from one of two angles, which is either positve or a negative. The positive definition of engagement is a promise or pledge, to bind yourself to marry, to attract and hold attention. The negative definition is to enter into conflict with the enemy. Which one has been the definition of your conflict with your spouse? Often times when you are in conflict with your spouse you forget that you are in a union that you pledged to stand together with your spouse and not stand apart as if the two of you are at war.

Even though you have conflict and you may feel that nothing is being accomplished, there is a way to have your engagement in discussion be from a positive standpoint and not the negative. You can deal with conflict from a loving standpoint rather than an adversarial one. You can come from a position of giving agape love, which is defined as a self-giving love, gift love, the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable. Agape love is the kind of love that Christ gave to us. His love was sacrificial and unconditional and we are to pattern our love for one another after the love that Christ has for us. According to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 love suffers long and is kind, love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. From this kind of love we can take clues on how to handle conflict with our spouse even in the midst of anger. The model that we created will help you remember the bottom line when dealing with conflict which is to deal with the conflict from a spirit of AGAPE LOVE. The acronym AGAPE LOVE stands for:

A – Always create a safe place to talk (by setting ground rules ahead of time)G – Gather your thoughts and feelingsA – Accept responsibility for your role in the conflictP – Produce effective communicationE – Eliminate negative talk (speak the truth in love)

L – Listen carefully and repeatO – Openly discuss the problem involved in conflict (one at a time)V- Vow to resolve the issue and Follow up ( at least one week for smaller issues or an agreed upon time for larger issues)E – Experience the power of the Holy Spirit through prayer

A – Always Create a Safe Place to Talk (by setting ground rules ahead of time)Some examples of ground rules are no cursing at each other, no bringing up hurtful things from the past, not allowing others into the conflict unless it is an impartial third party, we will talk on Sundays after church which will be our set time every week. What are some ground rules that you have set up for your communication with your spouse? Both of you need to feel that you can communicate without feeling like your words will come back to haunt you. You should be able to be free to communicate openly without fear of reprisal from your spouse or anyone that they may have confided in. Bible verse: Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.

G – Gather Your Thoughts and FeelingsSometimes we don’t take the time to gather our thoughts and feelings and it can be disastrous. We need speak with love in hearts and on our tongue. Bible Verses: Proverbs 14:29 He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, But he who is impulsive exalts folly. Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath,But a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:28 The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil. Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 21:23 Whoever guards his mouth and tongue Keeps his soul from troubles.

A – ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for YOUR Role in the ConflictOften times we want to place blame on the other person and not take responsibility, but we must take responsibility for our actions. When you accept responsibility you are committed to coming to a conclusion that is best for your marriage, you look to resolve issues through problem solving and when things go wrong you are willing to own up to your role and essentially bear the burden of the decisions that you have made. Bible Verse: Galatians 5:1-5 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5 For each one shall bear his own load.

P – Produce Effective CommunicationCommunicate at an agreed upon time that is good for both of you. For example, not after 9pm because one of you will get too sleepy, or only after the kids are in bed. This does not mean that you consistently say that this is not a good time so that you can avoid the conversation. If you say that this is not a good time you must come back with a time that is good for you. Talk to each other without distractions, such as the TV, cellphones, children in order to give your undivided attention to what is being said. If someone does call during your conversation, don’t pick up let them leave a message. This will send a message to your spouse that they are important to you. In order to effectively communicate, you need to be able to express your thoughts and feelings so that it does not put the other person on the defensive. One technique to do this is called using I- statements. For example, I felt hurt when you didn’t come home after work it makes me feel like you take my time for granted. This is very different from you don’t care anything about me because you always come home late. Additionally you want to make sure you don’t bombard your partner with information by talking on and on. You should speak in two to three sentences at a time like speaking in bite sized pieces. If you feel like you have said a mouthful you have said too much. Speaking in bite sized pieces gives your mate an opportunity to absorb what you have said and gives them an opportunity to make sure they fully understand the thought that you are trying to convey.Things to avoid during communication are 1. allowing the conversation to escalate. In fact this can be one of your ground rules in that you will honor one another enough to only speak in love without raising your voice. However, if things do begin to escalate take time away form each other to calm down and then come back when you can follow through with the conversation from a place of honoring your spouse. Other things to avoid are 2. thinking that your spouse can read your mind. You must communicate how you feel in order for him to understand how you feel. 3. You must also be willing to engage in the conversation even when it may be difficult. It does not help if you withdraw from the conversation, because over time there will be resentment around the issue and towards you because you continue to avoid it. 4. Accept what your spouse is saying as truth about how they feel. Don’t shrug off their feelings as inconsequential or treat them like oh here we go again. We must honor each others feelings without ridicule. Bible Verses: Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of silver. Proverbs 15:23 A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!

E- Eliminate Negative Talk ( speak the truth in love)We must speak to each other from a place of honor and of love. Sometimes we can get so bogged down in our negative beliefs about our spouses that we can’t see the good in them or the words that they speak. With negative talk and negative thoughts you are putting a negative spin on what your spouse does and says. You are allowing the devil to take a foothold in your marriage. By doing this we are allowing the negativity to creep in and distort the words and actions of our spouses. By doing this we put ourselves in the position to feel justified in returning the negative talk or actions. However, we must eliminate the negative talk and thoughts. By eliminating the negative talk I mean the talk that you verbally speak as well as the talk that you have in your mind. Take the time after reading this newsletter to notice the good things that your spouse says or does and see how that outlook will change the way that you see them. Bible Verses: Ephesians 5:25-27,29 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

L – Listen Carefully and RepeatJust like there is an art to communicating there is an art to listening. When listening to our spouses we must be able to hear what has been said but repeat it back so that we can clarify what they have just said. This is why you only want to speak in bite sized pieces to not only be fair to yourself but to the listener so that they can correctly repeat back what you have said as they understand it. When listening you want to give your undivided attention in our nonverbal body language as well as when we repeat back what they have said. Take on an open posture and one the shows that you are interested. In listening carefully, you can’t be thinking of whatever your response is or you will have completely missed what is being said. Bible Verses: Proverbs 18:13, 15 He who answers a matter before he hears it ,It is folly and shame to him. 15 The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;

O- Openly Discuss the Problem Involved in the ConflictThis is the time to discuss the problem openly and honestly. This is the time to discuss what the biggest concerns are pertaining to the conflict at hand. During this time, only discuss the issues, don’t try to resolve them yet. When discussing the issues, you will employ the effective communication and active listening skills to make sure you are accurately portraying both of your concerns, so that you can come up with the root causes of the issues. After doing this, it is now time to move on to the problem resolution stage. Bible Verses: Proverbs 12:22 Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal truthfully are His delight. Ephesians 4:29-32 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

V – Vow to Resolve the Issue and Follow UpThis is now the time where the two of you must determine which factor has the biggest impact on the issue at hand. You can do this by selecting the top 3 and then address the one that you both agree is the #1 factor affecting the problem. After doing this, the two of you need to discuss how you will go about dealing with this factor that suits both of you. Now, set a timetable to complete the work so that you can follow up. This element is key so that you can ensure that the resolution is working and if it is not, you can address what is. This element is also key so that neither of you feels like your spouse does not recognize the efforts you have made which can cause resentment. When you follow up go over your wins as well as your challenges so that you can keep track of what is working and what is not. When you discover something isn’t working you can go back to your discussion and choose another element that may be affecting the problem at hand. When you discover what is working don’t forget to celebrate in a way that you both enjoy. In order to come to a resolution that is best for the marriage and not one individual you must remember that marriage is a covenant before God. In your covenant to God you have agreed to die to self or selfishness and give way to the two becoming one flesh. Issues can not be resolved from a selfish point of view.

E – Experience the Power of the Holy Spirit Through PrayerPrayer changes things. Sometimes we are in prayer to change the other person and in the end we are the one that is convicted and changed. Prayer is one of the greatest tools God has given us to be in connection with Him. We use prayer as communication with God. Our prayers are also petitions for the health and success of our marriage. In our prayers we should pray from an unselfish standpoint and for the overall benefit of your marriage. Pray prior to entering into the discussion to allow the Holy Spirit to take over. Pray for your anger and other emotions to be under control when speaking to your spouse so that you can convey what it is that you are feeling. Pray that you have an open mind to hear what your spouse is saying from their heart and remove any negative filters or distractions that may get in the way. Pray with confidence that He hears us and that our prayer is according to His will. Bible Verses: 1 John 5:14-15 14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. 15 And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.

Ultimately, when engaging in conflict with your spouse, do it from a place of unselfish love and watch the results of the fruit of your labor.
(c) The Marriage Coaches 2009